Dear 300 Sandwich Man: YA BLEW IT!
Megan Burns | Sep 26, 2013 | 9:45AM |

Hi, remember yesterday when everyone was so mad about the three hundred sandwich man and his diabolical bread-encased marriage proposal scheme? I was pretty pissed about the whole thing myself, but not because I think the three hundred sandwich man is a misogynist or ugly or anything like that; instead, I am angry because I think he is an IDIOT. Seriously, you have a woman who is willing to perform TASKS to get you to pop the question, and you ask for SANDWICHES?! You could have asked for anything! She got off the easiest! What do you even mean?!

Picture 949

If you’re not following me, sandwiches are pretty much the least difficult food item to make EVER, which is why I hardly ever order them at restaurants; all you have to do is put things between other things and you’re good to go. Maybe you’re going, “But the variety, Megan. Think of the difficulty of creating three hundred different sandwiches,” to which I reply: NOT HARD. There are like seven thousand different deli meats in existence, plus cheeses! Spreads! Garnishes! Why are you guys so dumb!

The three hundred sandwich man is basically the IRL version of a person who blows all of their magical wishes with stupid, poorly-though-out requests. Here are some examples of other things that would have been way better than three hundred effing sandwiches:

  • Three hundred Thanksgiving dinners
  • Three hundred back-to-back episodes of Blossom
  • Three hundred moon bounces
  • Three hundred pairs of pants like Will Smith’s son wears all the time
  • Three hundred rare and exotic baby animals
  • Three hundred Ring Pops
  • Three hundred stars all named after you and/or your favorite figure skaters
  • Three hundred whoopee cushions, all detonated at once into a megaphone
  • Three hundred more demands

Clearly this is not an exhaustive list, but you get the idea that there are lots of things that are better than three hundred sandwiches. If I were the woman who agreed to make said three hundred sandwiches, I would take a good long look at what sort of relationship I was in. How can you trust someone who is willing to throw away an incredible opportunity on something so lame and non-labor intensive?! My advice: find someone who loves you enough to fully exploit your services; otherwise, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of mediocrity and Wonder Bread, aka three hundred shades of dismay.